How to Coordinate Discipline Among Caregivers

When you’re dealing with behavioral problems in children, setting consistent rules and expectations is essential. But how do you achieve consistency when you can’t be near your child around the clock? Ensuring that all caregivers — mom, dad, grandparents, babysitters, teachers, and any other child care providers — are on the same page can cut down on confusion and improve the impact of rules and consequences. Parents, whether living together or separate, need to talk first and agree which rules to set. They should communicate their expectations, set realistic limitations, and follow up regularly to effectively and consistently coordinate with caregivers on disciplining strategies.

Part 1 - Communicating Expectations

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→ Define your goals and rules clearly. Work with your partner to come up with a list of goals and expectations for your child, and define the rules you will enforce to achieve these goals. It’s a good idea to set goals in three distinct areas: long-term goals for the kind of character you want your child to develop, short-term goals for current behavioral issues your child is experiencing, and specific rules you plan to implement.

→ Invite older children to take part in setting goals and coming up with rules. When kids feel like their input is valued, they are more likely to follow rules and take responsibility for their behavior.

→ Put your goals and rules in writing so they are clear, concrete, and easy to review or revise.

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→ Consider the advice of other experienced caregivers. While you don’t have to take every suggestion offered by other people, it can be helpful to listen to the opinions of your child’s other caregivers. People who are experienced in childcare may have good ideas for rule-setting or for enforcing consequences of misbehavior.

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→ Relay your expectations to everyone involved in childcare. Create a written list of your expectations for your child, the rules they must follow, and the consequences for breaking those rules. Make sure that grandparents, babysitters, daycare workers, and other caregivers have a copy of your rules, and encourage them to ask questions about anything that isn’t clear.

→ Start the conversation with something like, “We have set some new rules and we wanted to make sure everyone is on board.”

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→ Role-play scenarios to ensure that everyone’s on the same page. Good communication is essential between parents and caregivers. By acting out or talking through scenarios before they happen, you can ensure caregivers understand how you want them to handle these situations. Rehearsing or repeating rules makes them easier to remember and enforce.

→ For example, tell the other caregivers, “If we have put them in time out and they try to convince you to let them play video games, simply say ‘Video games are off-limits during time out’ and don’t engage further.”

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→ Communicate these rules to the child. Explain your rules clearly, and make sure your child knows why each rule is in place. Encourage your child to discuss the rules with you and ask questions about anything they don’t understand.

→ When you talk about rules with your child, make sure you’re having a conversation, not delivering a lecture. While children need to know that you’re in charge, they are also more likely to cooperate if they feel listened to and respected.

→ Say, “We wanted to talk to you about the rules… Do you have any questions?”

Part 2 - Setting Limitations

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→ Choose age-appropriate consequences. A consequence is not a punishment — it’s something that naturally unfolds from your child’s actions. Unlike a punishment, which may seem unrelated to your child’s behavior, a consequence follows the rule of cause and effect. Consequences give your child a sense of responsibility for his or her own actions and decisions.

→ For instance, if your toddler refuses to pick up his toys, you might put the toys in time-out for a day until he is able to accept the responsibility of cleaning up. If an older child’s grades drop because she’s been playing too many online games, you could take away her computer privileges until she brings her grades back up.

→ Be sure to establish boundaries early. Often parents make mistakes by thinking as a toddler, their children are too young for limitations, but this is not so.

→ The limitations you set and the ability for the child to follow them will depend on their age and ability to understand. For toddlers, too many rules can be overwhelming. Focus on two or three of the most important rules at any one time. Once the child understands a rule and is following it, you can introduce a new rule.

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→ Be consistent with the rules. Kids need regularity and stability in their lives. Although they may try to test the rules, the consistency of a clear set of expectations is actually reassuring to them.

→ Staying consistent with the rules might be difficult for you sometimes, especially if you’re busy, distracted, or tired, but stick with it — if you only enforce the rules some of the time, your child will get the message that they don’t really have to follow them.

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→ Don’t give in to challenges to your authority. Even the most well-behaved children will try to test your boundaries at some point. Though it might be difficult to handle this situation firmly and calmly every time it arises, it’s important to stand your ground so your child doesn’t get the message that they can manipulate or nag you into bending the rules.

→ Sometimes young kids challenge authority because they simple forget. Keep in mind that not all challenges to authority in younger kids are because they are testing limits.

→ Avoid raising your voice, even when your child is acting in a frustrating way. Yelling indicates that you aren’t in control of the situation.

→ When your child challenges you, often it’s best to dismiss the challenge entirely. For instance, if your 10-year-old refuses to clean her room, don’t give her a choice. Instead, ask “Would you rather clean your room up now or after soccer practice?” Do not negotiate.

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→ Use “if-then” language with your child. Make it clear what the consequences for certain behaviors will be, and make sure you follow through every time. This strategy will make your child take you seriously when you tell them to do something, and it will reinforce the idea that you can be relied on.

→ You might say something like, “If you don’t finish your homework again tonight, then you will not be able to play any more video games until you show me you can get your homework done.”

→ Failure to follow through will teach your children that you don’t always mean what you say, so make sure to only set consequences you’re prepared to enforce.

Part 3 - Following Up

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→ Check in often with other caregivers. Communicating often with the other people who care for your child can help keep you all on the same page regarding expectations and rules. Don’t feel shy about dropping in on your babysitter or daycare provider unannounced now and then — this is a good way to see how well caregivers follow your instructions when you’re not around.

→ Check in by saying “I wanted to see how things are going since we’ve put those new rules in place…”

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→ Be flexible when it counts. On special occasions or days your child is out of their routine for some reason, you might allow them to skip their regular chores or do them at a different time. You might also decide to reward good behavior or good grades with an out-of-the-ordinary treat. When you bend a rule, make sure your child understands why, and make it clear that this is an exception, not something to expect regularly.

→ Staying flexible means picking your battles wisely. It probably won’t be possible to enforce all of your rules all of the time, so decide which ones you’re willing to compromise on and which you aren’t.

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→ Revise disciplining goals and rules as children develop. Your child will have different behavioral issues at age eight than they did at five, and they will need a different set of guidelines to follow. Adapt your goals and revise your list of rules as your child develops.

→ As children get older, they also become better able to provide insight and suggestions on their schedules and limitations, so take their thoughts into consideration when you update your rules.