How to Convey Grief About Your Chronic Illness to Others

It’s natural to grieve for the loss of your health and your old life when you are coming to terms with a chronic illness. It can be hard to know how to express your grief to other people. But sharing your feelings is an important part of getting the emotional support you need to move on with your life. The first step is to accept and own your feelings, even if they are difficult to deal with. After that, reach out to others for support and find ways to help them understand what you’re going through.

Part 1 - Coming to Terms with Your Feelings

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→ Acknowledge your emotions. Numbness, sadness, anger, fear – it’s normal to experience all of these emotions when you have a chronic illness. Don’t fight your feelings or try to cover them up. Instead, let yourself feel them, even if they are painful.

→ Acknowledging your feelings is the first step towards working through them.

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→ Understand the stages of grief. Most people go through five emotional stages during the grieving process. As you deal with the loss of your old life, you may feel denial, anger, fear, grief, and finally acceptance.

→ Some people pass through the stages of grief in order, but many others don’t. For instance, you might go through the stage of fear before reaching the stage of anger, or you might feel angry and afraid at the same time.

→ Repeating stages is common. For instance, if you’ve moved past grieving to acceptance, your grief might still flare up again from time to time.

→ Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean feeling OK about your chronic illness. Rather, it means deciding to make the best of your life and abilities without letting your illness define you.

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→ Look for healthy coping strategies. Good coping strategies help you manage your emotions and your stress in a positive way. Try meditating, writing in a journal, or working out when you feel well enough to do so.

→ You may feel tempted to bury your feelings with unhealthy coping strategies such as drinking alcohol or overspending. Resist the urge to do this – it will make dealing with your feelings more difficult later, and it could damage your health further.

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→ Be alert for signs of depression. It’s normal to spend some time dealing with negative emotions after a diagnosis. If you find yourself feeling constantly blue or uninterested in activities you once enjoyed, though, you might be suffering from depression.

→ If you think you’re depressed, don’t let it get worse – make an appointment with a therapist. Depression doesn’t usually go away on its own, but it can be treated with talk therapy and medication.

→ Depression often goes hand-in-hand with chronic illness.

Part 2 - Reaching Out for Support

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→ Think carefully about which people you want to connect with. Chronic illness can be a tough conversation topic. Not everyone will be prepared to talk about it, and you may not want to open up to people you don’t know well. Consider which of your family members and close friends will be most receptive and supportive when you reach out to them.

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→ Have the courage to ask for help. When you're suffering from a chronic illness, you may feel like you are always in need of help. Due to these feelings, you may restrain yourself from reaching out to friends and family because you think you are a burden. Social support is essential to leading a healthy, fulfilled lifestyle so it's important to learn how to get past these feelings.

→ You might say, "I'm worried that I am bothering you, but I really need someone to accompany me to the doctor on next week. Can you do it?" If they can't, see if they can help you find someone else who can.

→ Remind yourself that if loved ones haven't expressly stated that you are a burden, you shouldn't think you are. Just to be sure, try to be helpful to them and pay it forward as much as you can in order to balance the scales. Offer to babysit, drive a friend to run errands, or help a family member prepare for a party. Do your part for those you love--when you are physically capable--and you won't feel so guilty asking for help.

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→ Join a support group. You may find it easier to express yourself when you’re with other people who understand what you’re going through. Look for a support group in your area, or search for a supportive community online.

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→ Talk to a therapist. A therapist can help you work through your grief and adjust to your new way of life. They can also help you come up with ways to talk to your family and friends about your illness.

→ Ask your primary care provider for a referral to a therapist who aligns with your needs. Some therapists specialize in treating people with grief issues and coping with chronic illness. Research professionals in your local community and interview several before choosing one you feel most comfortable talking to.

Part 3 - Helping Loved Ones Understand

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→ Only disclose what you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to tell your loved ones everything about your chronic illness or the emotions you’re dealing with. It’s your right to keep some things private if you want to.

→ If someone asks you a question about something you’re not comfortable discussing, say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel ready to talk about that yet.”

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→ Be honest about your feelings. If you’re not feeling chipper about your illness, don’t act as if you are. Someone who really cares about you and wants to support you will be able to handle hearing about your sadness, anger, and fear.

→ For instance, if someone asks “How are you today?” don’t feel pressured to respond with a default “fine.” If you’re in pain, upset, or discouraged, say so. A simple, “Actually today has been kind of hard” is enough to start a genuine conversation about what you’re really feeling.

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→ Avoid directing anger at loved ones. It’s okay to express your anger, but don’t misdirect it towards the people close to you. If you lash out at others in your frustration, you may inadvertently drive them away. Make it clear to your loved ones that you’re feeling angry about your illness, not about anything they’ve done.

→ Physical activity, muscle relaxation techniques, and humor are a few healthy ways to deal with your anger.

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→ Tell loved ones what you need from them. Your loved ones most likely want to help you, but they may not know how. Make it easier for them by letting them know what kind of emotional support or practical help you need.

→ For instance, if your partner always tries to fix your problems when you’re really just looking for a sympathetic ear, tell him, “I really appreciate how you always try to help me fix things, but right now, it would help me most if you just listened to me.”

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→ Find alternate ways to express yourself. If you find it difficult to express yourself in a face-to-face conversation, get creative. Write a letter to a loved one or draw a picture to convey your feelings.

→ Healthy people may have a hard time understanding what a chronically ill person goes through every day. Using a medium like art or writing to express yourself can help your loved ones understand what you’re feeling on an emotional level.